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Carte Blanchett

Don’t mind me as I simultaneously smoke this Frankensteinian custom fat blunt

Whoever said, “Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained”, clearly didn’t ever try doom-scrolling through their never-ending Netflix Watchlist. There’s no bigger Time Suck than flipping back and forth through your seemingly endless multitude of streaming services, in order to find at least one something good to watch for more than five minutes.

The only thing keeping me going through this nightmarish mental thicket right now, is the multitude of different strains splayed out all over the weed table in front of me. There’s a bit of ‘Pink Mist Needler,’ some ‘Jetstream Narcolepsy’ and a bowl or two of ‘Bowtie Tuxedo Lobster’, in their own respective piles. I’m feeling rather in the mood for a marijuana mix-n-match.

I look up at my TV to see no decision has yet been made. Frustration aside, there is a very niche level of enjoyment to be found in the absurdly hilarious specificity of genres that Netflix loves to recommend me:

-Critically-Acclaimed Visually-Striking Exciting Movies

-Violent International Hidden Gems

-Critically-Acclaimed Cerebral European Movies

-Dark Ensemble Dramas Based on Books.

Underneath all of those superciliously selected and superlatively syllabled streaming suggestions, is another specially curated curious row of films: Celebrated Cinema Starring Cate Blanchette. Also, say that whole stretch ten times fast. I bet you can’t. I barely can.

I could do a Lord of the Rings marathon, except there’s two problems. 1) They’re not the Extended Editions and 2) It’s too late in the day to start into the wonderfully wide world of Middle-Earth. As perfect as Cate Blanchett is as Galadriel, Lady of Light. Plus, the part where she goes all “In place of a Dark Lord—you shall have a queen!”, I don’t think I can handle that tiny-hobbit-trauma, right now. Not with the colourful cannabis concoction I’m currently cooking up.

I know Christmas already came and went, but I will always want to sink deep into a couch while watching Carol. It’s a beautiful 50s-set romantic period piece full of tender love and heartache between Blanchette and Rooney Mara. Todd Haynes always directs good films. Speaking of “good films starring Cate Blanchette directed by guys named Todd” (which could be its own specified Netflix section), Tár is a pure masterwork. Todd Field’s recent Oscar hopeful is just pure-edge-of-your-seat cinematic goodness.

I love dry deadpan humour like no other. Cate’s great in The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Now I think about it, she should be in more Wes Anderson pictures. This next one’s a kinda-sorta cheat, as it’s not starring her per se, but believe it or not, Cate Blanchett is actually in Hot Fuzz. She very briefly plays Simon Pegg’s recently decided ex-girlfriend in the definition of a “blink and you’ll miss it cameo”.

Getting high while watching a couple Terrence Malick films doesn’t sound like half a bad proposition either. Song to Song is one that enjoyed, and maybe being higher than an Easy-Bake-Oven will actually help me to understand what happens at any moment in Knight of Cups. I still don’t get it.

Getting stoned while watching animated adventures is always fun too. I could double up on the two How to Train Your Dragon sequels, before finishing up with Guillermo Del Toro’s flawless stop-motion masterpiece, Pinocchio. You know, I haven’t ugly-cried in a while.

If I wanna be stressed out for a few hours, I could always double-bill Blue Jasmine and Notes on a Scandal. Or do I hate-watch The Hobbit Trilogy again? I mean, I don’t really want to, cuz I’d probably just hop on YouTube and watch The Battle of Helms Deep instead. The choices are really endless. Did I make any headway on this decision-making paradigm? I’ll leave the answer up to you. At the very least I have generalized north star to follow for the time being, now I’ve got Carte Blanchett.

Don’t mind me as I simultaneously smoke this Frankensteinian custom fat blunt I’d like to call:

“Pink-Jetstream-Tuxedo-Narcolepsy-Needler-Bowtie-Lobster-Mist.” Fine, the unwieldy name’s a work in progress, but the joint is not. For the joint-- is done.

This one’s for you, Cate! Wait, who last borrowed my lighter? Cate will have to wait. This one will be for you, Cate! Eventually.


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