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Lucky Charms & Offgreen Clovers

Can you guess what was one of the most needlessly stressful childhood nights at home?

Can you guess what was one of the most needlessly stressful childhood nights at home? Right before the very next day of scholarly learning? Was it those wake-filled hours before that very self-imposed, life-defining test? Or was it those preciously waning nocturnally collected conjunctions of sixty minutes, before finally taking the proverbial plunge, and asking out your childhood crush? And when to pick your moment? During that all-important world-defining early morning recess period, of course!

Shockingly, it’s neither of those. Had you going there for a moment, didn’t I? Although, those two aforementioned examples are admittedly very up there on this emotionally tumultuous, and terrifyingly turbulent list. The day in question that I previously neglected to mention, is that of March 16th. Why the 16th, you say? Seems like any other day on a regular calendar year. Surely, MJ, you jest. And yet, jest, I do not.

The two-day lead up to the 16th is a far more auspicious one than you might think. March 14th is Pi Day. How many numbers of Pi can you remember? All I got is 3.14. Now I just want some Apple Crumble. Or Boston Cream. Or both. Both? Both is good. March 15th is infamously known as “Let’s All Pour One Out for Our Dearly Departed Dead Guy, Caesar.”

March 16th, however, is St. Patrick’s Day Eve. The very night before the dawn of the 17th, is the only available time to hunt down any and all forms of especially specific clothing. What makes them especially specific? It’s that they come in the desperately needed shade of a very desired green. And no, I’m not talking about any nonsensical cheats like off-green that are “supposedly green under certain specific lighting conditions, but when put to a democratic vote in a bigger group at large, are well and truly, clearly yellow”.

All you needed was one article of the right shade on the colour spectrum. It could have been anything, from a shirt to a hat, to a sock, or even an earring. Lest you forget to don the proper colours, you were fair game to be pinched within the bounds of the auspicious schoolyard. All day long.

Long as you sported some form of green on your person, you were safe. I always felt bad for the select few kids out there who were colour-blind. You could always tell which ones were which, by the utterly fear-stricken children who hid anywhere they could hide on the playground. Let’s pour one out for them too.

If you’ve managed to tell the tale of many-a-pinched body part in the past, St Patrick’s Day is a bit of an odd green duck. It’s a fun day to celebrate with green beer, before going on a hunt for a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. One of the more interesting aspects of the day, is just how seriously people take it.

We all like to dress up with as much green as we can muster. As adults, we’re no longer afraid of getting pinched by others. Just pinching a nerve in our backs, while we count sheep.

Everyone can celebrate St. Paddy’s Day of course, but it does get rather tiresome when certain individuals talk ad nauseum about their dubious at best, Dublin-based heritage. Does it really count when they’re less than one-sixteenth actually Irish? Maybe I’m wrong. Pinch me, for I might be fever-dreaming, green with envy.

Regardless of what your grossly overpriced report card might indicate, you can still enjoy a few dipped-in-clover activities. If you’re out having a green-dyed pint of some sort, there’s a good chance that a collection of the bar TVs will be showing a Boston Celtics game. When in doubt, you also can’t ever go wrong with listening to some Dropkick Murphys.

If you’re looking for an Irish film to watch on the day, there are a few options I’d offer up. Martin Scorsese’s The Departed is very Boston-Irish. It’ll get you talkin’ like a cawp from Baustuhn all day lahng.

I gotta know. Where da ya pahk ya cah? In Havahd Yahd. Where else would you pahk it?

The Boondock Saints is certainly a controversial flick-pick to mention, and is often cited as one of those “stalwart dorm-room poster movies”. I’m still not entirely sure if that’s supposed to be considered as a positive or a negative connotation. By no means is it perfect, but it sure is entertaining. Just for Willem Dafoe’s absolutely gonzo performance, alone. And it makes for one killer double-feature with the documentary Overnight, about the juicily dramatic behind-the-scenes making of those very same Saints.

Thirdly, at the risk of sounding entirely self-serving, I’d also offer up my #1 favourite film of the past year. Writer/director Martin McDonagh’s excellent 2022 gem, The Banshees of Inisherin. Quite possibly “The Most Irish Movie to Ever Irish”.

However you’ll be celebrating, happy St. Patrick’s Day to all of them real, genuine Irish—and all them would-be try-hard Irish.


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