No, seriously, how could you mess this up so epically?
I long for the halcyon days of painstakingly detailed behind-the-scenes documentaries that captured the filmmaking process down to the most minute and blink-and-you’ll-miss-’em details. One of the most talented, but sadly underappreciated documentarians of his time, Charles de Lauzirika has seemingly been behind-the-camera that was behind the camera of many of the best films of the last fifty years.
He's shot documentaries for films the likes of Blade Runner, the Alien Franchise, The Martian, Hannibal and Kingdom of Heaven: The Director’s Cut. What is one common denominator between all of these aforementioned titles? Sir Ridley Scott.
Like his fellow contemporary Clint Eastwood, Scott is notorious for “shooting quickly”. He’ll do one or two takes and then move on. Ain’t nobody got time for that. He’ll oftentimes shoot the rehearsals. How else does Scott shoot so fast? There’s an extended sequences in the Lauzirika documentary Keepers of the Covenant about the making of Scott’s Exodus: God’s and Kings, where he’s directing the final epic battle scene with six different cameras all at the exact same time. Still thinking about it now gives my brain so much intense anxiety. I watched the doc, and I still don’t understand how he did it.
Simply put, Scott’s not a man to suffer fools in any form, but especially that of gladly. Speaking of gladly... alright fine, that one was a stretch. Gladiator remains one of Scott’s most well-regarded in the latter half of his cinematic oeuvre. The production design for the sets, the costumes and the props still hold up incredibly well to this day. The performances from Russell Crowe, Joaquin Phoenix, Connie Nielson, and Djimon Hounsou are flawless. A classic musical score from the one and only Hans Zimmer never hurts anything either.
Scott’s the kind of experienced visual director that clearly cares so deeply about the worlds that he creates on film. His meticulous attention to detail may drive some of those he works with into total utter madness, but that unflappable devotion to his art is certainly never lost on the audience. Also, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention how much I love that his production company’s name is Scott Free.
As a fly-on-the-wall, you can see Scott’s unchallengeable directorial prowess excellently on display in, you guessed it, another Lauzirika doc, Strength and Honor: Creating the World of Gladiator. Like most of these docs, it’s delightfully over three hours long. Is it even a Ridley Scott documentary though, if he’s not at least standing debatably sour-faced while puffing on a cigar in the midst of prepping the next twelve shots in his head, all the while not giving a single iota of a care about what anyone else thinks about him? He does that a lot. During interviews, he’s also often not without a lit cigar burning away while casually interlaced between the fingers on his left-hand. I don’t know why but seeing that always strikes me as just so utterly charming. And also, very British.
I’ve always found Greek mythology to be super fascinating. I’ve also loved the Assassins Creed game franchise from the very beginning. So of course, when AC released Odyssey, it was a match made in Mount Olympus. Playing as Kassandra over the course of more than eighty hours, I got so invested in the characters and the world. The game hooked me from its opening moments.
When I tell you I tried so hard to give Kassandra the happy ending that she so rightly deserved, I mean it. However, the end of her story, or at least the way I played it, was nothing short of a heartbreaking Greek tragedy. I honestly don’t know what I expected. The way the game ended, left me a broken shell of a human being for weeks. No hyperbole. That’s the power of good storytelling.
Once I start watching a show, I’m compelled to watch it the entire way through. No matter how good or bad said show may be. For good or ill. Part completionism, part OCD. Those About to Die should be all Roman numerical decrees be—a bloody swords-and-sandals historical epic slam-dunk of a prestige streamer. But alas, another match made in Olympus, t’was for naught. Alright, so you’re pandering to me with an absurdly bloody opening credits sequence. I dig. I vibe.
Then once the actual show started, it’s insane how quickly I lost interest. What’s the opposite of being instantly hooked? A Greek epic about gladiators with lots of blood and swords, starring Iwan Rheon and another great Sir, this time being the one and only, Anthony Hopkins? How could this possibly be bad? No, seriously, how could you mess this up so epically? The mind boggles while the brain panhandles for loose change. I don’t even know what that expression means. I just made it up on the spot, just now, but it sounds appropriately apt. Sometimes I amaze even myself.
I actually forced myself with great pain to get through the first fifteen minutes. Believe me guys, I really tried. I have no idea how many stages of grief there on, the number changes depending on whom you ask. Some say five, some say seven and some say nine. Regardless of how many stages there actually are, I went through every single hell while trying to escape Dante’s Nine Circles of Hell.
For the first fifteen minutes of the pilot episode, I was in total denial of how bad it was. Then for the next ten, I bargained with my brain that like an abusive relationship, it would get better. But like any toxic, abusive relationship-- get better, it did not. Twenty-seven minutes into the fifty-five-minute pilot, I actually stopped watching, and never looked back.
Fear not my brothers and sisters, for we shall see Rome once again. The one and only Sir Ridley Scott is back at it once again in the director’s chair. Does the man even sleep? Why waste time studying the insides of your eyelids when there are so many wonderful cigars that need to be smoked. Scott will be returning this fall with the long gestating sequel Gladiator II. Trailer looks good. Rising star Paul Mescal in the lead is rather promising. And of course you can’t ever go wrong with Denzel Washington in any capacity.
However the sequel turns out, there’s no possible way it can be any worse than the Gladiator 2 that we almost got. That one involves Russell Crowe’s Maximus Decimus Meridius coming back to life as an immortal being cursed to live forever, who eventually ends up fighting his way through WWII, before working at The Pentagon. I’m not even kidding. I wish I was. That was the original idea. For real. Then again, now that I think about it, that pitch actually does sound really kinda fun. But like in a stupid ironic way, and only if you’re absolutely bored outta your gourd, and utterly baked outta your mind.
Mary-Jane
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